The game changer.

I have spent the better part of my life hiding.

There, I’ve said it.  I hide.

When I want to hug someone and tell them I love them, I just smile and say they are awesome.

When I want to say something with deep meaning, I will get silly, make a joke or pass off what I want to say as ‘dumb’.

When I want to cry I steel myself and act like everything is fine.

When I yell I actually want to say how hurt or sad I am.

When I can see someone is making a bad mistake, I mention something then apologize for mentioning it.

I sit in silence when I want to speak with feeling.

And on it goes.

But I’ve learned that everyone hides to one extent or another because they are afraid.  I’m afraid. 

I fear:  any type of rejection, looking stupid, feeling inadequate, losing someone, getting yelled at, being wrong....

As I’ve gotten older, I have begun to feel different...freer.  To some people freedom means ignoring rules and doing what they want.  But I have learned, and almost always the hard way, that is never freedom.  Bending or ignoring rules and what you understand to be true almost always comes round to haunt you or cause pain.

 

The freedom I’m talking about is knowledge of who I am. 

It’s a game changer people. 

I KNOW who I am.  The challenge left is to do and say, with that knowledge in mind.  The old ways still want to creep in and take over, but I fight hard to get rid of them once and for all. 

For some things I’ve succeeded. 

For some things, it’s on the way.

For others, it’s still a fight.

That is what I’m here for.  To fight for my freedom, to know who I am and to take that knowledge and then help others do the same.

I know: I am strong, intelligent, silly, spiritual, loving, empathetic, kind, forgiving.  I love to laugh and make others laugh.  I find absolute joy in singing, nature and the success of my kids and husband.  I like to have friends and I like to be alone. 

But most of my freedom and my knowledge and my strength comes from the fact that I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father and I know what that means and I feel the power of those words when I write or say them.

I do hide, but not from Him.

I’m so glad I know that.