A Representation

This picture encapsulates everything that has made it so difficult to post lately.

The fine weather you see is exhibit A. It's difficult to get used to the fact that it is basically a desert here. We honestly have not had precipitation since I'm pretty sure January. Sometimes, it's true, there are clouds. Or a frigid, high velocity wind. But not lately. Lately, it's all sun, high temps, and gentle breezes. It causes me stress to spend time indoors. I'm not used to this eternal sunshine. INFERNAL SUNSHINE! No no, I love it. But it keeps me outside out of Canada-stress.

Next, we observe the glorious clothes line. I actually had next to no involvement in this project. It was all Brad. But it represents all the projects we've had going on. See what I did there? Anyway, yes. Spring is the time of Brad Awakenings and he sucks me in. Just the other day I cleaned the entire garage for him. I did. I mean it was for all of us. And mostly for my hating knowing about horrible terrible disaster messes in the back of my mind. And also being fed up with not being quite sure what was even out there, or ever being able to find tools I need. But definitely there was the element of feeling sad for poor puppy Brad who kept bringing up his "plans", so he calls them, to do it himself and then with a sigh never actually getting to it. Anyway. Projects.

Lastly, let me draw your attention to the child atop a bunch of barrels. Why, yes he is practicing his log rolling. That's still a relevant profession, isn't it? My children unschool which is pretend school, so it only makes sense that they will pursue pretend careers. But also this captures a child playing. Much playing! It is, of course, related to the weather. Additionally, though, Evelyn has recently made friends with some kids that live in the town houses across the street. It started with two Philippino brothers named Tom and Wilmer. And now it has expanded to what seems like hordes of nameless children frequenting our property at various times of the day. We have a two storey high zip line now, you see (see: projects), so it's kind of popular with the neighbourhood. And all this playing keeps my kids outside all evening. And that pushes bedtime back. And that means my night starts later. And that means...

Yes. It means less time for blogging.

Good picture. Useful picture. And the funny thing is the reason I really took it is because what it mostly represents to me is SPRING! Clothes blowing in the breeze; children playing in the yard; green grass and blue sky! Ah, this.

This is bliss.

The voice of my enemy

I've been reducing sugar and trying not to snack at night. Sounds pretty innocent and simple. The first weeks were successful, and I felt good about my success. I lost ten pounds.

Then I stopped losing weight. Then I gained some back over Easter. That's when it started playing in my mind: the mind script I have. The one that sounds like it's my own voice. The one I thought I had tamped down for good, but it swirls up uninvited at times like this. It says things like,

"I am unworthy. I cannot be happy in this body. I am a failure. I need to do more. I need to be better. I am unlovable. I dont deserve to be happy"

You are in trouble when the voice of your Enemy starts to sound like your own and it's hard to tell them apart.

My mind didnt come up with this script. It was given to me. It is my inheritance. It was given to me in a box that was wrapped in beauty. A box that looked soft, smooth, pink, and perfect. Nobody asked me if I wanted it.

When the box is opened, the darkness comes out. Inside the  beautiful package swirls hate and fear and sadness.

I am reminded of the story of Pandora who in myth was the first woman to find such a tempting box and was unable to resist opening it. It seemed to promise treasure, but once opened, it released into the world nothing but pain and suffering. She slammed the lid closed just in time to trap the last remaining content: Hope.

I am reminded of Eve who was beguiled by the snake to eat the apple with the promise of becoming worldly, wise, like the Goddess. By one bite of that beautiful fruit, she released into the world death, pain and suffering. Cast out of the garden, she and her daughters were barred from accessing the fruit that would reverse the effect.

It seems like a woman should be free to eat what she wants without ruining the world, but that's not how it works. Everything I eat is filled with portent.