I've been reducing sugar and trying not to snack at night. Sounds pretty innocent and simple. The first weeks were successful, and I felt good about my success. I lost ten pounds.
Then I stopped losing weight. Then I gained some back over Easter. That's when it started playing in my mind: the mind script I have. The one that sounds like it's my own voice. The one I thought I had tamped down for good, but it swirls up uninvited at times like this. It says things like,
"I am unworthy. I cannot be happy in this body. I am a failure. I need to do more. I need to be better. I am unlovable. I dont deserve to be happy"
You are in trouble when the voice of your Enemy starts to sound like your own and it's hard to tell them apart.
My mind didnt come up with this script. It was given to me. It is my inheritance. It was given to me in a box that was wrapped in beauty. A box that looked soft, smooth, pink, and perfect. Nobody asked me if I wanted it.
When the box is opened, the darkness comes out. Inside the beautiful package swirls hate and fear and sadness.
I am reminded of the story of Pandora who in myth was the first woman to find such a tempting box and was unable to resist opening it. It seemed to promise treasure, but once opened, it released into the world nothing but pain and suffering. She slammed the lid closed just in time to trap the last remaining content: Hope.
I am reminded of Eve who was beguiled by the snake to eat the apple with the promise of becoming worldly, wise, like the Goddess. By one bite of that beautiful fruit, she released into the world death, pain and suffering. Cast out of the garden, she and her daughters were barred from accessing the fruit that would reverse the effect.
It seems like a woman should be free to eat what she wants without ruining the world, but that's not how it works. Everything I eat is filled with portent.
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